Thursday, October 05, 2006

Random High School Memory

My sophomore year of high school had recently begun when my school started making a big fuss about a special school assembly featuring a special guest speaker. The name of the special guest speaker was never mentioned but rumors that the person was famous begun to circulate. The day of the assembly came and the entire student body was called in to the auditorium. When the principal made his speech and announced the guest speaker everyone was left shocked and horrified. Our special guest speaker was none other than Steven Seagal. Sure he was once famous but I went to high school in the late 90’s, by then Steven Seagal was a washed up has-been. The crowd was not very receptive, I could hear some students behind me angrily jeering about how lame Steven ‘Seagull’ was.

As Steven took the stage, I could tell by his bloated demeanor and his slurred speech that this assembly was going to be priceless. His speech was one rambling mess of slurred inconsistencies. By the look on his face I could tell he did not want to be there and he kept making matters worse by trying to casually look down at his wristwatch to see how much time he had left. He talked about staying in school and saying no to drugs. He even threw in a few karate kicks to try to impress the apathetic crowd of students but his actions were futile as the only reaction he got from the students was a mix of awkward laughter.

I have to say the one and only highlight of the assembly was a hilarious mishap. Steven being the macho karate master he is, tried to show a young and rather wimpy male student a blocking technique but he miscalculated the students punch and ended up getting socked in the face. The crowd went wild with laughter and for a split second there I thought Steven was going to sock the student back but he didn’t. The student was quickly ushered off stage and the assembly ended shortly there after. My only regret is that I did not have a camera to record this hilarious event so that I could show you guys.

15 comments:

prunella jones said...

Ah that is a high school memory to cherish! I'm jealous.

LA said...

OMG, Pix, that is FREAKING CLASSIC!

I wonder if he is still on the high school gymnasium speaking circuit?

PixieGaf said...

What I wonder is if my high school got its money back for hiring such a lame speaker.

If only I would have paid more attention to his speech (Steven's monotone voice makes it awfully hard too listen) I guarantee it would have been 10 times funnier than his crazy antics.

prettykitty said...

this makes me jealous. i don't have a high school memory that will ever match that. i love that steven segal movie where he keeps saying over and over "i'm just the cook". that kid is lucky that steven didn't kick him in his crotch, punch him in his throat and stomp on his windpipe. he's a badass!

you have the best stories! haha

GetFlix said...

There was some stange article about him in Vanity Fair a couple of years ago. Very strange.

PixieGaf said...

PK I love watching old Steven Seagal movies!

GetFlix you tease elaborate PLEASE!

Ffleur said...

Getflix, was it the hit man story. Someone trying to kill Segal? We should be so lucky.

Pix, excellent story. Ah, brought back such wonderful memories of the anonymity of sitting in the audience, jeering at the speaker, with not an ounce of guilt or remorse or ever thinking about it again. Ah, I miss those careless days.

Diane said...

OMG - Great story - - didn't he claim to be ex-CIA too?

v said...

Yeah, Seagal is a class A creepjob. Illustrated by him doing a PAID high school speaking tour. Pix, as you mention, it must have been pretty hilarious and annoying and boring to sit through a Seagal school assembly.

I haven't read the Vanity Fair article but IMDb news has numerous pieces on his alleged hiring of a shady P.I. to threaten an LA Times reporter from not reporting on a Seagal-Mafia connection by dumping a dead fish with a rose into the reporter's car. I kid you not. Search for Seagal's page on IMDb and click on the news articles link.

The guy epitomizes everything that is crappy with H-wood.

GetFlix said...

Ffleur, I think that was the story. It was art imitating life imitating a bad Seagal movie.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

I love how you found the most bloated picture of him to add to your post.

If you look up his wikipedia article, there's a section about how he claims he was visited by a mystical dog who warned him of danger. Right...

PixieGaf said...

Mishy he looked a lot worse!

Crazy and delusional does not a good guest speaker make!

Ryan said...

What a moron

kookla@work said...

What town was your school in? Was he an alumni or what? What do you think he was on, booze or pills? Did he wear a jacket with a mandarin collar or was this his mu-mu phase?

This is more intriguing than Steven's Mafia connections!

PixieGaf said...

Kookla I am pretty sure he was hung over and if I am not mistaken he was wearing a black leather jacket.